Kimmie Dee

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On the Actors Studio, James Lipton sits with a stack of 3,000 blue cardsand asks one guest, one question at a time.  The entire production is quite civilized save for theoccasional tap dance or ballet stance.

At LA Comedy Shorts FilmFestival, the scene is anything but civilized.  First of all, the panelists are no-names and today’s groupwas no different.  For instance,some guy named Wayne Brady, was there. Now I ax ya, who da hell is dis guy?  They muttered something about him being talented, funny,improvisational, and apparently he’d been on some shit shows no one everwatched like The Wayne Brady Show, Whose Line Is It Anyway and mostrecently, Let’s Make A Deal.  That last one is a blatant lie becauseeveryone knows Monty Hall is the host of that show.  Can you say FACT CHECK? Perhaps Glenn Beck got fired at Foxand is now working for the festival. 

The rest of the panelists werejust as disappointing, what, with there go-nowhere careers.  Larry Jo Campbell spent the better partof the morning going around trying to convince people that he knows Jim Belushiand was even on his show, According toJim.  Nobody bought it.  Like we’re dumbasses or something,sheesh!

There was a Jeff Garlinimpersonator.  It was sad reallyhow this guy made a feeble attempt with his own importance.  You’d think he was Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiam or something. He was probably the worst of them because he claimed to be one of the“actors” on WALL-E.  WTF? Unless you’ve been living under arock, everyone knows that was an ANIMATED FILM! Jeff Schmeff!

Scott Thompson used to be ahall monitor or something, he seemed like just some Kid In The Hall to me. I didn’t really catch it, I was too busy eating popcorn.  Speaking of which.  The panelists walked on the stage, eachwith their own popcorn?! What kind of a show was this when they just givepopcorn to anybody?

There was a mercy toss to“round-out” the guest list by calling two broads to the stage.  It was sad really.  Some chick who works at the Progressive Insurance company with some Mad Men pretended to be someoneimportant.  She said a bunch ofstuff like blah, blah, blah, and then the other one, this Lynne Stewart persontold everyone she actually knows Pee Wee from Pee Wee’s Playhouse.  Right!Like a big star like Pee Wee would even look twice at someone with no careerdespite having an infectious laugh and incredible smile.  Bottom line, with so much nonsense whocould take this group seriously?

It would have really been acomplete waste of time but I reluctantly admit, they kinda new what they weretalking about, you know, for frauds and stuff. 

They unanimously claimed thatthe only thing fame was good for was free dessert at restaurants.  I can totally see this because howoften are you on a budget and can’t afford dessert? Right?  Ok, so that was good to know.

Then that Wayne guy made acomment that having a great career is way harder than fame.  Anybody’s who’s seen any of thoseshitty “reality” shows knows that’s true. So, ok, I’ll give him that one. Backing that statement was that funny guy, Jeff … or whatever his realname is.  Ok, so even though no oneknows him he was still funny … anyway, he said that long careers take greatskill, at either manipulating people or actually having talent.  I think he knows this from experienceof doing both.  Then that insurancebroad chimed in and said to audition as much as possible no matter how sick youfeel, always show up! Audition, audition, audition.  I find this works in marriage too.  I audition every night for the part of a younger womansuffering from nymphomania, and then I hear “Next!”

Then Scott said that hisinitial intention was to be a serious actor.  Ha! You’re not even any kind of actor, you’re just a poserlike the rest of the panelists, just cause you’re funny on the spot doesn’tmean you’ve got serious acting chops buddy.  Ok, so out of nowhere comes this guy Jordan Black,apparently some kind of friend or something from Lynne’s playhouse days, who jumpson stage and broke into “Biff” from Death of a Salesman.  Who did he think he was? A cast memberfrom Community or something? Take a seat! This ain’t Saturday Night Live.

All in all, I was disappointedbecause everyone was a fraud.  ButI have to say, it was one of the most entertaining, informative, funny,poignant, inspiring and supportive panels I’d ever seen.  It was great.  You know for a bunch of bullshitters.